All of it.

Why is it all so much?

To just live.

It’s overwhelming.

My mind is racing, constantly.

About you, about me, about work.

About the thing you said to me years ago.

It made me feel.

Not good about myself.

Everything makes me feel.

Not good about myself.

Why must it all cling?

Like static.

And weigh at me.

Why do I think about it at 3 in the morning?

It makes me heavy,

It makes me feel like my eyeballs are in my cheeks.

I hear ringing in the distance.

Oh wait, that’s in my head.

I wish it would stop, but it stays, Faintly.

I try to listen to your words but the words in my head are louder.

I stare blankly.

You know I’m not home.

My replies are hollow.

Meaningless.

I feel, nothing and everything.

All of it.

All at once.

It’s just too much.

FEELINGS.

Unstable.

Back and forth.

Up and down.

Around and around.

Cracked.

Broken.

Empty.

Lonely.

Unwanted.

 

 

 

Alone, Stay with me.

Alone.

Is where I put myself.

I don’t mean to,

It just happens.

Life is too much.

To be stable.

To stay in touch.

To tell you how I feel.

I am strong,

I will fight,

The lack of feeling,

The lack of emotions.

I will overcome the numb state.

Maybe not today or tomorrow,

But I will strive.

I just don’t want you to leave.

I don’t want you to give up on me.

The Person I’m Not.

“You’re beautiful,

Your smile’s so bright.

You’re refreshing,

Youre a breath of fresh air.

You’re so sweet.

It’s truly a delight.”

That’s what they say.

And what they don’t know,

Won’t kill them.

They don’t know,

That my mind is a race course,

My thoughts aren’t always so sweet.

I don’t believe what they say.

My thoughts tell me otherwise.

Why can’t I be like that?

Why can’t my mind just stop?

My emotions are stunted,

Emotions make me numb.

My mouth can’t form the words.

I become empty.

Because emptiness is easier than being full.

Forget about it, it will pass.

So why do they see this person I am not.

Where is she, and when is she coming out?

 

At war.

I could be fine.

You don’t really know.

I’m not.

But the days keep burning,

And I keep yearning to find a reason in my head.

Because there’s no point in not participating.

Even when nothing makes sense.

So here I am.

In my head is where I live.

On this Earth is where my body resides.

What is really important?

That’s what I’m trying to find.

The deeper meaning behind this superficial planet.

This world at war, with its own kind.

At war with another color, another way of life.

My mind at war with itself.

Why must we not accept one another?

Why can’t i love my inner being?

Why must there be so much hurt?

It aches in my soul.

This way of life it fills us with a hole,

Filled with lack of hope.

Filled with eptiness in our souls.

 

Start Fresh.

I haven’t posted here in years. I guess in the past I used this as a way to share my experiences and feelings. I’ve always wanted a blog. Something i could share with others in hopes to find others who feel the same way. However, I’ve never been good at keeping up with it. I’ve never been successful at keeping up with people in real life either. My wants to socialize with others comes in waves. Just like my feelings.

So let’s try this again.
Maybe, just maybe I will stick around this time.

Hi, My name is Brittany.
I’m 29 years old.
I am more than depression and anxiety,
But that’s why I’m here.

To find something real in a world of short lived friendships, and foggy feelings.
To connect with others.
About the good and the bad in life.

I recently deleted my facebook. It’s still very fresh, but I would really love to stick with it. So far it’s been refreshing. I don’t have these constant reminders of how many friends I’ve let slip away. It’s so fake anyway. People only post what they want to be perceived as. When i was younger I posted about ALL of my feelings. Now when they pop up, I’m embarrased by how open I was with so many people who literally did not care. Facebook brings up more emtions than necessary. Why do I let this social media website dictate  my feelings about not only myself, but others. Without it, I don’t have the constant reminder that I’m one of the few people my age not married with children. And of course I know their lives aren’t perfect, but that’s not what they all try to portray to everyone else.

In reality it’s just so stupid.
And I’m so much better off without it.

Lost in my mind

Another poem I wrote. Again, I’m not a writer.. I just like to write when I get a good little rhyme going in my head. So here it is.. 🙂

Have I lost my mind?
Or am I lost in my mind?
So many thoughts in my head,
but for some reason that’s all they are..
In my head.

Why can’t I portray how I am on the inside?
I can’t get over the feeling of needing to hide.
I need to let myself be carefree,
let loose and just breath.

Maybe I haven’t lost my mind..
I just need to find the strength to share,
Although I doubt that anyone would care.

I should know, it’s okay to be imperfect,
Because those who matter won’t mind.

In fact I’m sure that I would find that no one would care.
Because I’m the only one who really cares.

The voice in head tells me I’m not enough,
And honestly, it’s making life a bit rough.

I know the thoughts and feelings in my soul are genuine and true,
I just need to see them through.

I’m lost in my mind.
And it’s confidence I can’t find.

Another poem I wrote

Here’s another poem I wrote today. Hope you enjoy…Feedback is appreciated 🙂

——————————————————————

As the sun shines upon my face.

I slow my pace.

 

Rays of sunshine fill me with peace of mind.

Even though the sunshine leaves me temporarily blind.

 

I close my eyes and lay on the grass,

turn on the music to let the time pass.

 

My mind is at ease,

as I lay surrounded by trees.

 

As the wind sweeps briskly across my skin,

The song begins to play a violin.

 

I close my eyes a little tighter,

and my body begins to feel a bit lighter.

 

My mind is afloat,

or maybe on a boat.

 

As I lay with my eyes closed tight,

I ponder what’s wrong and what’s right.

 

I dream of a place so care free.

Where everyone is filled with glee.

 

Unlike that of the world today.

Where many are filled with dismay.

 

As the breeze begins to pick up,

My mind wakes right up.

 

Reality sets in,

People must wonder where I’ve been.

 

I slowly gather my things,

and wish that I had wings.

 

So I could fly high in to the sky.

But If I did try,

 

I may end up like Icarus.

And it would be quite rigorous

For someone like me

To just be free.

 

 

-BBGL

My story.

Wrote this the past couple days. I’m not sure if this is considered a poem. I’m not really a writer… but.. some feedback would be nice! This is just about my journey moving from a small town to a big city.

————————————————————————————————————————————————————

I grew up sheltered,

My eyes shielded from the light of truth.

My mind clouded by what I was told to be true.

And as I grew into a young woman, it was all I knew.

 

I was a small town girl who moved to the city.

Oh, how I thought it was so pretty.

As the city lights shined bright,

I felt that everything would be alright.

 

No longer was I that small town sheltered girl.

I was free to do as I pleased.

The thought had me at ease.

 

Little did I realize the struggles I would soon face.

I wish they could have come at a slower pace.

 

Month to month life seemed to grim.

My love was starting to dim.

For the boy I had loved was just a friend.

We both knew our romantic relationship would end.

 

The thought of being all alone in the city had my stomach twisted.

The thought of moving home crossed my mind, but I resisted.

 

While loneliness in my heart set in, I wondered

“When will this end? Oh, when will my heart mend?”

 

Continuing my life as if I was alright,

Life really did become a delight.

 

Friends, they came and went but one friend was there to mend my broken heart.

Little did we know we would soon part.

 

A boy with a broken soul.

Lost and spinning out of control.

 

He turned my frown upside down,

until the day he had to leave town.

 

My heart was shattered,

and sadly I didn’t think it mattered.

 

He was on an important journey to find his soul.

But meanwhile he kept in mind a goal.

 

To steal my heart

and never again part.

 

It’s been 3 years.

Many cheers,

and beers,

and tears.

 

We share the same love and fears.

We both would be okay without any peers.

 

And as our love grows,

I hope he knows,

That he is the one I chose.

 

And with our hearts in sync,

we begin to think of the life we could have in the country.

 

Where the green grass grows,

and the river flows.

And the stars shine bright,

rather than the city light.

Surrounded by fresh air,

living blissfuly without a care.

 

So here I am.

Doing what I was told living big city of hopes and dreams.

And as the city lights gleam.

I dream.

 

I dream of the small town we will soon call home.

 

 

 

 

Oh wow, It seems like it’s been so long. Life update!

After reading my last post, I’m glad to say things have improved. I posted about being lonely, and not having any real friends. While, that hasn’t changed entirely… I still find it hard to make close friends, and keep them.. but my outlook changed, and then things change.

I decided that I needed a change, and instead of complaining about it, I was going to get off my ass and do something about it! My boyfriend and I had been contemplating whether to travel, or try and work in Yellowstone again, but we decided it was financially best for us to keep living in the apartment we are in. That was a really hard decision for us both to make, because we would both much rather be living in the middle of no where or traveling. After we signed another lease with our apartment, I signed of for school. Even though we weren’t going to get out and go do something, I wasn’t going to let my life continue to be the same. 

I started school back in the Fall of 2013, and I’m so happy I did. Not only is it extremely nice to associate myself with people my age, trying to get somewhere in life just like me, but also the fact that I’m using my brain, and not letting it go to waste. In the last few months, I have felt so good about life. I’ve been setting goals, and thinking about what I want to do with my future. I decided if I can’t enjoy my life with good friends, then I’ll enjoy life with my boyfriend and I. 

In addition to starting school, I also found a better job. A place with a better atmosphere, and room to grow. I was tired of knowing that the job I was at was going to take me no where in life. It was the definition of a dead end job. Everyone there seemed so haggard, and tired of the bull shit, but never wanted to do anything about it. So I made that change. I had to make a change, unless I wanted to hate my life.

I still get lonely on days like to day. When I don’t have to work, or much else to do, but who doesn’t have those days.. right? 

I just always have to try to keep a positive mind, even when it’s hard. Setting goals, and having a “can do” attitude helped me grow as a person. I feel motivated for whatever it is that comes in to my life.