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  • brittanygabriel 3:06 am on January 12, 2019 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , ,   

    Alone, Stay with me. 

    Alone.

    Is where I put myself.

    I don’t mean to,

    It just happens.

    Life is too much.

    To be stable.

    To stay in touch.

    To tell you how I feel.

    I am strong,

    I will fight,

    The lack of feeling,

    The lack of emotions.

    I will overcome the numb state.

    Maybe not today or tomorrow,

    But I will strive.

    I just don’t want you to leave.

    I don’t want you to give up on me.

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  • brittanygabriel 3:03 am on January 12, 2019 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , ,   

    The Person I’m Not. 

    “You’re beautiful,

    Your smile’s so bright.

    You’re refreshing,

    Youre a breath of fresh air.

    You’re so sweet.

    It’s truly a delight.”

    That’s what they say.

    And what they don’t know,

    Won’t kill them.

    They don’t know,

    That my mind is a race course,

    My thoughts aren’t always so sweet.

    I don’t believe what they say.

    My thoughts tell me otherwise.

    Why can’t I be like that?

    Why can’t my mind just stop?

    My emotions are stunted,

    Emotions make me numb.

    My mouth can’t form the words.

    I become empty.

    Because emptiness is easier than being full.

    Forget about it, it will pass.

    So why do they see this person I am not.

    Where is she, and when is she coming out?

     

     
  • brittanygabriel 2:53 am on January 12, 2019 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: dark, hate, , , , , war   

    At war. 

    I could be fine.

    You don’t really know.

    I’m not.

    But the days keep burning,

    And I keep yearning to find a reason in my head.

    Because there’s no point in not participating.

    Even when nothing makes sense.

    So here I am.

    In my head is where I live.

    On this Earth is where my body resides.

    What is really important?

    That’s what I’m trying to find.

    The deeper meaning behind this superficial planet.

    This world at war, with its own kind.

    At war with another color, another way of life.

    My mind at war with itself.

    Why must we not accept one another?

    Why can’t i love my inner being?

    Why must there be so much hurt?

    It aches in my soul.

    This way of life it fills us with a hole,

    Filled with lack of hope.

    Filled with eptiness in our souls.

     

     
  • brittanygabriel 9:48 pm on January 11, 2019 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , connect, , facebook, fresh, hello, , , mental fog, new, , real, social media   

    Start Fresh. 

    I haven’t posted here in years. I guess in the past I used this as a way to share my experiences and feelings. I’ve always wanted a blog. Something i could share with others in hopes to find others who feel the same way. However, I’ve never been good at keeping up with it. I’ve never been successful at keeping up with people in real life either. My wants to socialize with others comes in waves. Just like my feelings.

    So let’s try this again.
    Maybe, just maybe I will stick around this time.

    Hi, My name is Brittany.
    I’m 29 years old.
    I am more than depression and anxiety,
    But that’s why I’m here.

    To find something real in a world of short lived friendships, and foggy feelings.
    To connect with others.
    About the good and the bad in life.

    I recently deleted my facebook. It’s still very fresh, but I would really love to stick with it. So far it’s been refreshing. I don’t have these constant reminders of how many friends I’ve let slip away. It’s so fake anyway. People only post what they want to be perceived as. When i was younger I posted about ALL of my feelings. Now when they pop up, I’m embarrased by how open I was with so many people who literally did not care. Facebook brings up more emtions than necessary. Why do I let this social media website dictate  my feelings about not only myself, but others. Without it, I don’t have the constant reminder that I’m one of the few people my age not married with children. And of course I know their lives aren’t perfect, but that’s not what they all try to portray to everyone else.

    In reality it’s just so stupid.
    And I’m so much better off without it. (More …)

     
  • brittanygabriel 10:44 pm on September 16, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: confidence, , my writing, , , ,   

    Lost in my mind 

    Another poem I wrote. Again, I’m not a writer.. I just like to write when I get a good little rhyme going in my head. So here it is.. 🙂

    Have I lost my mind?
    Or am I lost in my mind?
    So many thoughts in my head,
    but for some reason that’s all they are..
    In my head.

    Why can’t I portray how I am on the inside?
    I can’t get over the feeling of needing to hide.
    I need to let myself be carefree,
    let loose and just breath.

    Maybe I haven’t lost my mind..
    I just need to find the strength to share,
    Although I doubt that anyone would care.

    I should know, it’s okay to be imperfect,
    Because those who matter won’t mind.

    In fact I’m sure that I would find that no one would care.
    Because I’m the only one who really cares.

    The voice in head tells me I’m not enough,
    And honestly, it’s making life a bit rough.

    I know the thoughts and feelings in my soul are genuine and true,
    I just need to see them through.

    I’m lost in my mind.
    And it’s confidence I can’t find.

     
  • brittanygabriel 12:55 am on June 7, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: free, freedom, glee, , peace of mind, , , sunshine   

    Another poem I wrote 

    Here’s another poem I wrote today. Hope you enjoy…Feedback is appreciated 🙂

    ——————————————————————

    As the sun shines upon my face.

    I slow my pace.

     

    Rays of sunshine fill me with peace of mind.

    Even though the sunshine leaves me temporarily blind.

     

    I close my eyes and lay on the grass,

    turn on the music to let the time pass.

     

    My mind is at ease,

    as I lay surrounded by trees.

     

    As the wind sweeps briskly across my skin,

    The song begins to play a violin.

     

    I close my eyes a little tighter,

    and my body begins to feel a bit lighter.

     

    My mind is afloat,

    or maybe on a boat.

     

    As I lay with my eyes closed tight,

    I ponder what’s wrong and what’s right.

     

    I dream of a place so care free.

    Where everyone is filled with glee.

     

    Unlike that of the world today.

    Where many are filled with dismay.

     

    As the breeze begins to pick up,

    My mind wakes right up.

     

    Reality sets in,

    People must wonder where I’ve been.

     

    I slowly gather my things,

    and wish that I had wings.

     

    So I could fly high in to the sky.

    But If I did try,

     

    I may end up like Icarus.

    And it would be quite rigorous

    For someone like me

    To just be free.

     

     

    -BBGL

     
  • brittanygabriel 10:34 pm on June 6, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: big city, , , , my story, , , , small town, story,   

    My story. 

    Wrote this the past couple days. I’m not sure if this is considered a poem. I’m not really a writer… but.. some feedback would be nice! This is just about my journey moving from a small town to a big city.

    ————————————————————————————————————————————————————

    I grew up sheltered,

    My eyes shielded from the light of truth.

    My mind clouded by what I was told to be true.

    And as I grew into a young woman, it was all I knew.

     

    I was a small town girl who moved to the city.

    Oh, how I thought it was so pretty.

    As the city lights shined bright,

    I felt that everything would be alright.

     

    No longer was I that small town sheltered girl.

    I was free to do as I pleased.

    The thought had me at ease.

     

    Little did I realize the struggles I would soon face.

    I wish they could have come at a slower pace.

     

    Month to month life seemed to grim.

    My love was starting to dim.

    For the boy I had loved was just a friend.

    We both knew our romantic relationship would end.

     

    The thought of being all alone in the city had my stomach twisted.

    The thought of moving home crossed my mind, but I resisted.

     

    While loneliness in my heart set in, I wondered

    “When will this end? Oh, when will my heart mend?”

     

    Continuing my life as if I was alright,

    Life really did become a delight.

     

    Friends, they came and went but one friend was there to mend my broken heart.

    Little did we know we would soon part.

     

    A boy with a broken soul.

    Lost and spinning out of control.

     

    He turned my frown upside down,

    until the day he had to leave town.

     

    My heart was shattered,

    and sadly I didn’t think it mattered.

     

    He was on an important journey to find his soul.

    But meanwhile he kept in mind a goal.

     

    To steal my heart

    and never again part.

     

    It’s been 3 years.

    Many cheers,

    and beers,

    and tears.

     

    We share the same love and fears.

    We both would be okay without any peers.

     

    And as our love grows,

    I hope he knows,

    That he is the one I chose.

     

    And with our hearts in sync,

    we begin to think of the life we could have in the country.

     

    Where the green grass grows,

    and the river flows.

    And the stars shine bright,

    rather than the city light.

    Surrounded by fresh air,

    living blissfuly without a care.

     

    So here I am.

    Doing what I was told living big city of hopes and dreams.

    And as the city lights gleam.

    I dream.

     

    I dream of the small town we will soon call home.

     

     

     

     

     
  • brittanygabriel 1:09 am on January 21, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: bettering myself, college, , education, friends, goals, happiness, , motivation, relationships, , update   

    Oh wow, It seems like it’s been so long. Life update! 

    After reading my last post, I’m glad to say things have improved. I posted about being lonely, and not having any real friends. While, that hasn’t changed entirely… I still find it hard to make close friends, and keep them.. but my outlook changed, and then things change.

    I decided that I needed a change, and instead of complaining about it, I was going to get off my ass and do something about it! My boyfriend and I had been contemplating whether to travel, or try and work in Yellowstone again, but we decided it was financially best for us to keep living in the apartment we are in. That was a really hard decision for us both to make, because we would both much rather be living in the middle of no where or traveling. After we signed another lease with our apartment, I signed of for school. Even though we weren’t going to get out and go do something, I wasn’t going to let my life continue to be the same. 

    I started school back in the Fall of 2013, and I’m so happy I did. Not only is it extremely nice to associate myself with people my age, trying to get somewhere in life just like me, but also the fact that I’m using my brain, and not letting it go to waste. In the last few months, I have felt so good about life. I’ve been setting goals, and thinking about what I want to do with my future. I decided if I can’t enjoy my life with good friends, then I’ll enjoy life with my boyfriend and I. 

    In addition to starting school, I also found a better job. A place with a better atmosphere, and room to grow. I was tired of knowing that the job I was at was going to take me no where in life. It was the definition of a dead end job. Everyone there seemed so haggard, and tired of the bull shit, but never wanted to do anything about it. So I made that change. I had to make a change, unless I wanted to hate my life.

    I still get lonely on days like to day. When I don’t have to work, or much else to do, but who doesn’t have those days.. right? 

    I just always have to try to keep a positive mind, even when it’s hard. Setting goals, and having a “can do” attitude helped me grow as a person. I feel motivated for whatever it is that comes in to my life.

     
  • brittanygabriel 11:04 pm on August 21, 2013 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: conflict, fake people, Friendship, growing up, , Making friends, maturing, realization,   

    My ramblings on friendship, life and growing up. Advice? 

    This may have no purpose, but recently i have been feeling lonely. So this is what I’m going to ramble about.

    As long as I can remember, I’ve always had a problem with making and keeping friends. When I was younger, I would have a friend for a couple weeks, but somehow my older sister would always steal them away from me. They would no longer come around to hang out with me, they would come over to hang out with my older sister. They would make fun of me, and make me cry. That’s what I remember. I guess I’ve always been somewhat of an outcast. As a young adult now, I realize how cruel that was, and how much it has affected me to this day. Most people just tell me to get over it, it’s in the past. They don’t understand that it’s really not that easy. I still catch myself being overly cautious of who I befriend. I know that our friendship is only temporary, and it most cases it’s the truth. When I do find a good friend who i connect with, and can get along with easily, who I can be myself around, I find myself being overly attached. When our friendship eventually fades for some reason or another, I find myself being hurt that they don’t make an effort to hang out as often, or they bail on our plans. 

    I have had a few best friends in life, and I miss them terribly. More than they will ever know. I long to have a female to talk to, shop with, and just do girly things. I have become such a loner. I generally will turn down an invite to hang out with someone when there are going to be a group of us. It just doesn’t seem all that fun to me. To me that means I’m going to be feeling more alone, than if i were literally alone.

    The friends I made in middle/high school are no longer in my life. I moved away after high school, and for one reason or another we drifted apart, and I still miss them so much. They all have their own family’s and friends now, and it hurts that they probably could care less how I’m doing. After this realization I went through a small faze. When I wasn’t working I would party, drink, have a good time etc. I had a lot of “friends”, but I’ve come to realize that most of those people were fake, and just wanted something from me. Whether it be a place to crash, alcohol, a ride somewhere, you name it. If I wasn’t offering, they would just steal it anyways. I was their bitch, and I knew it. It made me feel wanted, and loved, but when i snapped out of it, i came to realize that those people were not my friends at all. I started to become someone I wasn’t. I was oblivious to my surroundings, my family, and all I was worried about was myself.

    That faze ended when my boyfriend and I moved to Wyoming for the summer to work for Yellowstone. I was ready for a fresh start, but even then I had a terrible time making friends. This has made me realize that maybe it’s just me. Maybe there is something about me that people just don’t like. Maybe I’m to picky in making friends. But why? I’m now almost 24 years old, living with my boyfriend. We both don’t have many friends. He’s okay with that, but deep down, I’m not so sure he is. I on the other hand, wish I had another woman in my life to enjoy some aspects that I can’t with my boyfriend. I’m pretty lost.

    Soon I will be starting school again. I did one term of college before I went through my “party” faze. I’m ready for a fresh start, once again. Hoping to meet new people, and make friends. As well as better my life, and set goals for the future. 

    Any Advice?

     
    • Opinionated Man 6:40 am on August 23, 2013 Permalink | Reply

      It gets even worse when you get married and even worse when you have a kid. Suddenly no one wants to hang out with you. Oh well… I think it is an age thing. I am not tons older than you, I am 32, but I find that after awhile with work and life you really don’t have much time for extra humans in your life. You will of course make friends along the way, but only the special ones stick around. I was stationed in Wyoming at F.E. Warren AFB for a bit in Cheyenne and as an Asian in Wyoming… trust me I know where you are coming from. 😉 I am sure it will all work out in the end. All the best, -OM

      • brittanygabriel 12:48 am on August 24, 2013 Permalink | Reply

        I could imagine that it gets worse. Although, like you said.. you become too busy for a social life. I’m probably just bored in life. I work full time, but you wouldn’t believe how much extra time i have. Extra time to be bored. If mine and my boyfriends schedule matched up every week, I’m sure this would help! Lately they have completely opposite though. I’m sure when school starts it will be the last thing from my mind! 🙂

    • kwakefield10 7:03 pm on September 17, 2013 Permalink | Reply

      I don’t think it’s just you. I do think that you are picky, but with good reason. You sound like you’ve had quite a few bad experiences and are proceeding with caution when meeting new people. Do you think maybe you have a ‘wall’ up and people can sense it? Based on your post you sound likable, authentic and relatable. So I don’t think it’s just you.

      • brittanygabriel 1:15 am on January 21, 2014 Permalink | Reply

        So this has been a while, but.. I just signed in and got your comment.

        I’ve decided that I do have a wall up. It has it’s pros and cons, but mostly I just wish It wasn’t there so that I could meet new people, and have a some fun while socializing! I’m always having fun by myself or with my boyfriend, but.. sometime that routine gets a little old. I think anyone could agree with that.

  • brittanygabriel 1:00 am on August 16, 2013 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: camping, cats, help, , , , question, tips   

    Do any of you take your cat camping? 

    I want to take my kitten/cat camping but, I’m not sure where to start. Does anyone else do this? I need tips!

     
    • Forrest 4:02 pm on August 16, 2013 Permalink | Reply

      I take Miss Kitty for walks, but I don’t think she’d enjoy camping at all. Actually I think the experience would terrify her. It would be unfamiliar, I’d have to keep her in the tent because she can escape collars and harnesses, I don’t know how I’d manage things if a bear or mountain lion showed up. Other campers will likely have dogs, which she hates.

      And if she got away, I’d never catch her and she might not come back, but she couldn’t make it in the wilderness!

      • brittanygabriel 5:20 am on August 18, 2013 Permalink | Reply

        One of my fears is losing my kitty! He’s like my child and I’d be so sad if he ran away. I just hate leaving him home alone. I second guess if he has enough food and water, or if he has enough toys to play with. I think of him wondering where I am, and being sad and lonely. I know, its a bit pathetic. My cat, is still actually a kitten (5 months old), so maybe if I started taking him young, he’d be more open to trying it. I have heard success stories of people taking their cats camping, but… what if it fails? I don’t think I want to take the chance.

    • Forrest 4:13 pm on August 19, 2013 Permalink | Reply

      When I camped at Spider Meadow, I had this weird dream/nightmare that I brought Miss Parsley with me. I don’t know how it would have worked, it was a 6.5 mile hike in to the camp. But strange things can happen when you’re dreaming. Anyway, a bear came through the camp and we had to run for it. Some how the kitty and I got separated. I was trying to go back for her without getting myself killed, calling for her, hoping she’d come to me and not just run off, wondering how I would ever find her in such a big place. That was much scarier than the bear.

      I’m about to spend more than a week backpacking across a mountain wilderness. The cat is staying home. My lady friend is going to stay at my apartment while I’m gone, and watch over Miss Kitty. They get along well, Parsley will be well fed and watered, and she’ll have some love while I’m gone. It’s not the same, and I feel guilty that she’ll still be lonely and miss me, but it’s much better than if she were just alone.

      I think you shouldn’t take your cat camping, and if it’s at all possible you should get friends or neighbors or family to watch him instead.

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